"Real Fact" #388

Da first person in da U.S. arrested fo' speeding wuz uh NYC cab driver. Ya' know what I'm sayin'?

"Real Fact" #148

Da tallest nig wuz 8 ft. 11 in. just like mammy.

"Real Fact" #128

Dragonflies gots six legs but cannot walk - w0rd!

"Real Fact" #328

Da Statue o' Liberty features seven points in her crown - one fo' each o' da continents. Don't make me shank ya!

"Real Fact" #112

Peep this shit - at birf, uh Dalmation iz always pure whitey.

Black Pride

There are few things that truly offend me. For example, a coworker was making dead baby jokes, and I was the only one who found them funny. That being said, I do find the notion of Ebonics to be highly offensive. I recall in the early 90s when educated Americans were actually considering making Ebonics an official language! I was never more ashamed to be a so-called African American than I was at that time.

I came across a website that will translate English into Ebonics (or as the website says, "Ebonify dis whack English").

Here is an example:

Police say a woman was shot and killed in a house in Minneapolis on Saturday evening.

In Ebonics translates to:

Police say uh biotch wuz smok'd an' ganked in uh crib in Minneapolis Saturday evening with muh beeotch.

Yeah, it's brilliant. I think I will randomly post blog entries in Ebonics.

"Real Fact" #149

Theodore Roosevelt was the only president who was blind in one eye.

Marketing 101

I'm always aware of how much skin I'm exposing. I'm particularly aware of my upper-ass area. Whenever I see someone sitting or bending over and exposing their ass crack, I assume they are aware as well.

I took this picture in a gay bar, so I figure the guy with his ass hanging out is advertising. What is he selling? Ass, silly.

Oh Happy Day

One of my roommates walks past this display to and from work daily; yet, he somehow manages to maintain a foul mood. If I had the opportunity to walk past a supersized image of Mr. Beckham daily, I would always have a smile on my face.

Cat-eyed

As a child, I was convinced that the dead were watching me from heaven. I had this thought well into my teens.

My biggest fear was that my mom would someday be able to watch me doing "gay" things. Imagine my relief when I realized that the only spectator of my debauchery would be a cat.

Cough

I'm convinced I have Avian Flu. Well, maybe not. I am sick as Hell.

I started feeling crappy about five days ago. This is my third day calling in sick to work. I can't think of the last time I missed work because of a legitimate illness. I suppose I was due.

I'm trying to get rest and stay hydrated.

I hope I lose at least five pounds because of this.

Crazy Hot, Super Trashy

I must have this shirt. It's brilliant. Although...

I could make my own semen-stained shirts for considerably less than the $30 the East Village Boys are asking for it. However, I'd have to make a new one after every wash - kind of a hassle.

Shower Sex

I took an online quiz to test which gay sex position my personality represents, and I was pegged as "shower sex." Interesting. Here's what they had to say about me:

You're a pleasure pig, no doubt about it. You like to rub against reality through a smooth, sensual screen of soft, silky soap and wet, wild, watery warmth. With your well-lubricated perspective on life, even the most boring and unpleasant events become as exciting as a hard, slippery cock slapping your sweaty, sauna-smooth face in a steamy sex shower built for two.

You know exactly how to bring the right magic ingredients into any mix of suprises that life may spew upon you. Your natural personality acts just like the suds and lotion that make shower sex so sin-sationally sperm-tastic!

Be careful, though...keep the water out of your ears or someone might just sneak up behind you and try to make you their own private soap-on-a-rope dope. Don't let them! You were not meant to be hung up on someone else's towel rack to dry! Fly free, like the luscious bubble you are, and spread your magic in shower stalls everywhere!

Okay, I don't know how well this bullshit describes me, but I sure do like the description.

Headache

Sir, your headlights are on

Yet another adult who is underdressed for the weather.

I took this picture in early January. The temperature was well below freezing.

I Don't Do Duets

Happy hour is dangerous - not because I'm an alcoholic. I love to eat. Nothing delights me more than cheap appetizers.

What is pictured is my Sunday afternoon snack getting cold while I wait for my friend to get his order.

Who says the dollar is weak?

100 Calorie Packets

Look who I spotted at the airport. It's King magazine's April 2008 cover girl Miss Toccara Elaine Jones.

Someone's been knocking back the ipecac after every meal.

It's amazing what two seasons on Celebrity Fit Club will do for a big bitch.

He Got It From His Momma

I don't know this gentleman, but he has the perfect body. I like 'em a little thick. He was standing in line at McDonald's while I was next door at Subway ordering something stuffed into a low-carb wrap.

Supersize it!

Merry Christmas

So yeah...

It's a huge turd floating in the toilet.

It's not my turd; although, I do know who it belongs to.

I think Dr. Oz would consider this to be a healthy bowel movement despite not being completely s-shaped.

Anyhow, I don't like when people come to my house and shit. I especially hate when people come to my house, shit, and forget to flush. There are only a handful of people who would be allowed to drop the kids off at my pool without judgement. In the future, I will be posting pictures and names.

You've been warned. 

I'm Vers

I took this picture in the parking lot of an athletic club in Las Vegas.

I contemplated waiting around for the owner of the car to return. I imagined him to be a big, nelly bottom. Unfortunately, I had to make my way to Jack in the Box to grab two tacos for $0.99.

What do you think?

I recently received the following comment in my inbox: "gay or bi?"

"gay or bi?" Hmm...well, I'm not sure why it matters.

I understand that labels are important to some people. However, in this instance, I think they're stupid. Period.

For the record, I'm as gay as a handbag full of rainbows.

"Real Fact" #111

Only male turkeys gobble.

"Real Fact" #122

A duck can't walk without bobbing its head.

Express Lane

I was somewhere recently and saw this sign hanging. It fit the decor, but I couldn't help to think that once upon a time, not too long ago, I would not have been allowed on a boat leaving for New Orleans without signing up with the captain first - what a hassle.

"Real Fact" #251

There are more French restaurants in New York City than in Paris.

"Real Fact" #137

The city of Los Angeles has 3x more automobiles than people.

"Real Fact" #160

One alternate title that had been considered for NBC's hit "Friends" was "Insomnia Cafe."