Yay!

My mom decided to do drag this Halloween, and I fucking love it! I actually spoke with her this afternoon, and she totally didn't mention it - sneaky heifer. If only everyone had a mom as cool as mine...

Boo! 5

I think it's funny that I'm most distracted by the Sharpie acquired mole. Anyhow, Lil' Kim is supposedly thirty-three-years-old. I wish she would at least let a professional apply her cosmetics. It looks like she filled in her eyebrows using a charcoal briquet and her foot.

Boo! 4

I remember watching this wench on Dallas and Knots Landing. I'm trying to think of something nice to say. Her wig is nice, and her collar is nicely pressed. She would look far more pulled together at the age of sixty-five if she didn't look like she performed oral sex on Brillo pads.

Boo! 3

Fuck Julie Newmar, Eartha Kitt, and Halle Berry! This is my favorite Catwoman. Jocelyn Wildenstein is looking mighty fresh for being only sixty-eight-years-old.

Boo! 2

Here's another one who looks like she sold her face to the devil. Seriously, Donatella Versace looks like a vampire. This flower is only fifty-three-years old.

Boo!

As an adult, I've only "dressed up" twice for Halloween. I feel like if someone is going to wear a costume, they should do it right. This year, once again, I don't have the time, resources, or desire to be festive.

Gay men are notorious for dressing in drag for Halloween. I have a problem with this. A real drag queen has made a serious commitment to his/her craft - spending countless hours in the mirror working on cosmetic techniques, crafting elaborate outfits, and fending off the swarm of hatred that bombards them each time they walk out the door.

Halloween allows for every gay man who was never man enough to wear a dress to buy a cheap wig, apply hideous make-up, wear one of his sister's dresses, and step out on the town. I find it disrespectful and completely void of creativity.

On the topic of costumes, I was thinking that there are some people who don't have to worry about Halloween costumes. Consider Priscilla Presley. This woman was born in 1945. She's sixty-three-years-old. I wonder how old her face is. I suppose being a Scientologist and the ex-wife of Elvis Presley will crack a bitche's face!

Happy Birfday

The only person who has ever baked a cake for me was my mother, and it has been years since she has done so. Living in Minnesota by myself, I often feel like celebratory occasions, like holidays and birthdays, go unnoticed.

My original plan was to turn thirty-years-old alone in my room with a gallon of Edy's Loaded Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream and a bad horror movie. As luck would have it, I met a great guy about a month ago who was determined to not let me celebrate alone.

He made me a cake - from scratch. I asked for a red velvet cake with the hope that I would consume enough crimson food coloring that my feces would turn the toilet bowl red. That did not happen, but the cake was yummy delicious.

On a lighter note...

...things could be worse. I could look like a penis.

Ugh

I am thirty-years-old today. Part of me wants to cry. The other part wants to eat carbs until I go into a coma. Fortunately, I am at work, so I can't be too self-destructive.

Trannyliscious

Words cannot describe how much I love this picture.

The Happening

I am only twenty-five minutes into M. Knight Shyamalan's The Happening, and I am confident in saying that it is one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

The story is preposterous, and the acting is awful. It's even too shitty to be considered camp.

It's a good thing the rental was free.

Poor Taste

What do you call a black woman who has had seven abortions?

A crime-fighter.

"Real Fact" #31

The average human eats 8 spiders in his/her lifetime while sleeping.