Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Smart

The Smart Car isn't a very smart choice (ha ha). The car is a little over eight feet long and weighs about 1600 pounds. To put that in perspective, a Cadillac Escalade ESV is a little over eighteen feet long and weighs 6000 pounds. I don't see this car competing well in a collision on the mean streets of any city in the United States.

A reasonably equipped Smart Car costs about $15,000, has gas mileage averaging in the high-thirties, performs dismally with storage space and seating for two only. For the same amount of money, a person could get into a Honda Fit or Toyota Yaris. Both cars have about equivalent gas mileage with exponentially more passenger space and storage room.

At this point, I think the Smart Car is still a novelty.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Pontiac

The only Pontiac I've ever coveted was the Bonneville SSEi from the mid-nineties. Yes, it was ugly, but it had so many buttons! The G8 doesn't have as much going for it, but I give it top marks for having the least "American" interior in Pontiac history - not too grand of an accomplishment considering this car was developed and manufactured in Australia.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Buick

I understand the average age of a Buick owner is eighty-three-years-old, but I quite like what they have to offer.

The Enclave is big, beautiful, shiny, and sleek. If gas were cheaper, I think it would be the perfect roadtripmobile.

The new LaCrosse is sexy too. Much more substantial than the previous model. Hopefully, it won't be relegated to rental fleet sales.

Who says old folks cant' be stylish?

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Hummer

Making an E85 Flex Fuel Hummer H2 is like putting a "Kind to Trees" sticker on a chainsaw. The H2 is an excercise in excess - very American. I won't lie; I wanted one when they were introduced in 2003. Perhaps I didn't buy one because I foresaw $4/gallon gas in the near future. Anyhow, I still think they're pretty cool.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Saab

Once GM took over Saab, I knew they would never have an innovative product again - sad. I do think the Saab 9-3 convertible remains one of the most attractive drop-tops out.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Chevrolet

This will make me sound as American as Osama Bin Laden, but I hate Chevys. I think Corvettes are obnoxious and people who drive Chevy trucks are even more obnoxious. In fact, I think every vehicle Chevy makes is just wrong.

For instance, the Aveo. Why does a car that starts under $12,000 need to be outfitted with faux wood trim and cheap leather seating surfaces. People who buy cars like these are looking to be economical. If someone is going to spend several thousand dollars to "spruce up" a $12,000 car, they might as well buy a nicer car! Ugh.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Chrysler

Poor Chrysler - I don't think Obama will be able to help them. They have decent products, but they simply can't compete with the technological innovations and styling of their foreign counterparts. That being said...

The ecoVoyager concept sure looks appealing - too bad something like it won't see the light of day for at least a decade.

The 300 is a supreme value - V8 muscle car power, luxury interior, $30,000. You can't beat that with a stick.

Chrysler invented the minivan, and I still think no one does minivan interiors better. The Town & Country's interior package remains clever and thoughtful. Unfortunately, the exterior could use a beauty makeover.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Honda

Nothing at Honda excites me much.

Back in 2003, I test drove an Element with the intention of leasing one. Instead, I purchased a Ford Explorer SportTrac. I wish I would have stuck with the Element. I do think they present themselves as a good value: an AWD SUV for under $20,000. Six years later, it still looks fresh next to the trendier Scion xB.

I'm a little less impressed with the redesigned Insight. It's obvious that Honda is going after the Prius, but did they have to make the Insight look like a Prius? The original model had a unique, futuristic look. I fear all future hybrids will adopt the wedge look - yawn.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Lexus

As a brand, Lexus is a bit too sterile for me. I appreciate the quiet controls and superior refinement, but I need a little spunk in my drive. If I were to choose a model, it would definitely be the big boy (and not the boy pictured sticking out of the car). The LS460 is a technological wonder. I just love all the buttons!

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Kia

I have to give Kia props for keeping the Amanti around. This sedan seems pointless to me. For the same money, a person could drive off in a very well-equiped Hyundai Sonata: a car that is better in every aspect. In fact, I'm not sure why Kia even exists with the presence of Hyundai. Anyhow, the Amanti makes me smile/laugh with its Jaguar-esque styling.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Ford

Of all the domestic automakers, Ford has done the best job of developing products that might actually be viable in this market: the redesigned Mustang, the high value Focus, the hybrid Fusion, and now the retro-inspired Flex. I was surprised at how spacious the interior of the Flex is based on how sleek the exterior packaging is. I understand the styling is love-it-or-leave-it, and I love it!

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Volvo

The XC60 is Volvo's new "Crossover" SUV - whatever that means. I'm getting a little bored with these car-based trucks that have no real off-road capability. Lucky for this one, it's pretty. I'm also a huge fan of Volvo's current "floating dash" design theme - very chique.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Mini

I think BMW bringing back the Mini Cooper was a gimmick meant to capitalize on the retro sensation first started by the New Beetle and PT Cruiser. Now that the nostalgia has worn off, BMW had to do something to keep the line fresh - welcome the Mini Clubman. The Clubman is nothing more than a Cooper with a larger rump. I still think it looks ridiculous but at least it's large enough that I might consider driving it.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Scion

Scion appeals to a niche market. One in which I belong to the key demographic. I think I am a bit too mature and plain to drive an xB, but I do see the appeal. The xB is spacious, affordable, efficient, and is available with a myriad of options. Unfortunately, I would find it difficult to drive around in something that resembles a Rubbermaid bin.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Subaru

My original goal was to find something I like from every make. Truth be told, I can't see myself driving any model of Subaru (I'm not a lesbian). Me choosing the Tribeca is the equivalent of a pity fuck. The exterior styling of the original Tribeca was unique. This new model looks like something Chrysler would spit out (not a compliment). Seriously, this SUV almost looks like a minivan. The Tribeca's only redeeming quality is it's dash and center console. I always thought it looked like something from Star Trek.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Audi

Before the A5 came along, my top Audi pick would have been a TT. Now that the lovely 5 is here, I've found a new love. I think it would be the perfect vehicle for an upwardly mobile gentleman like myself.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Volkswagen

Nothing over at Volkswagen excites me save the Passat CC. It's the poor man's Mercedes CLS.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009: Porsche

I wouldn't consider myself a sports car fanatic, but I do appreciate a fast ride. Ironically, my Porsche pick would be an SUV - the Cayenne GTS. I know it's nothing more than a dressed up Volkswagen Touareg, but who can resist a $70,000 SUV? I can't.

Twin Cities Auto Show 2009

This year, for the 36th Annual Greater St. Paul & Minneapolis International Auto Show, I decided to do something different. First, I went by myself. Second, I took a camera. Lastly, I documented my favorites (with a couple of misses for good measure).

I learned a few things about my tastes in automobiles: I like expensive cars; I like big cars; I like navigation.

All in all, I had a great time. I also have an even greater urge to visit an auto show in a larger city (e.g., Los Angeles).

Deep Impact

I just read an interesting article on the Minnesota Independent's website. Some fundamentalist religious leaders are continuing their undying effort to ban same-sex unions. The rationale: "should gays get the right to marry, the world would end."

Upon further reading, I understood this quote to mean that "if everyone is a gay, this world will cease to exist in 10 years" (according to Ikram ul-Huq, the imam and religious director of the Muslim Community Center of Bloomington).

I don't think everyone wants to be gay. I do think that gays would like to live in a world where everyone receives equal rights. Geez.

Ownership

As I write this, I'm sitting at work. The pharmacy is not a very active place. Most people working are either sitting down or standing in a general area. Today, I am sitting in a corner of the pharmacy with one other person. This person just ate one-and-a-half Chipotle burritos about an hour ago. Seriously.

Needless to say, this person is experiencing some serious gastrointestinal issues. The worst of them being flatulence.

I don't mind farting. I actually find the sound of farting quite amusing. My current issue, however, is that this person and I are sitting in a high-traffic area, and I'm concerned that the people walking by are thinking that I am the one who's shitting on himself.

Oh the shame.

Revlon

I've upgraded my dream car from a Maserratti GranTurismo to a Rolls-Royce Phantom Coupe. The difference in price is about $300,000. It's a bit pricey; I know. However, I know I'm worth it.

Anyone interested in helping me to acquire one, please feel free to email me.

Holy Shit That's Hot

The BF and I went to a restaurant not too long ago for dinner called Holy Land. Holy Land is more of a marketplace than a restaurant. I really didn't like the feel of the dining room, but I was with good company and yummy food - no complaints.

We ordered the Shiek's Dinner for two.

I thought it was interesting that on each table in the dining area there was a bottle of Louisiana hot sauce. As I understand, Holy Land specializes in Middle Eastern cuisine. Louisiana ain't in the Middle East!

I should mention that the Holy Land we went to was in N.E. Minneapolis (read: the hood). I suppose they're just catering to the locals.

I don't know about this one.

Everyone knows I love cake, but I might have to pass on this one.

What About Us?

I was reading on CNN.com that there is a U.S. based non-profit organization called One Laptop Per Child that is attempting "to provide educational opportunities for the world's poorest children by providing each child with a rugged, low-cost, low-power, connected laptop with content and software designed for collaborative, joyful, self-empowered learning." The cost: $199.

I hate to sound like a asshole, but I think we should make certain that children in the United States have necessary educational resources before we try to provide for the rest of the world. Geez.

Let's Try Again...(Minneapolis, MN)

To the man who crapped in my car:

We met on Craigslist, so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at Angie's Cantina sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Superior Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said, "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me," was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why it's call it "gambling." I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness.

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.
I await your call,

Joseph

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early, touché.

Octopuslets

I have decided that if the BF and I decide to have children, we MUST adopt eight of them. The children must come as a package and be near the same age. Ethnicity is of no concern; however, I will not accept children with apparent disabilities (mental or otherwise).

Their names will be changed to: Love, Angel, Music, Baby, Paycheck, Makeup, Tampon, and Debbie.

I promise to love them as if they were my own.